My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
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