I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Randomize
