god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
i need some magic done to my vagina
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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