dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
i will never coherently bang her
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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