i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
