don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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