I haven't been this sober since birth.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Randomize
