I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Randomize
