Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
