who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
