even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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