I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
