Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
