I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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