I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
