Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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