I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
