I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
