i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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