remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
You've changed since you got that strap on
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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