I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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