I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
