i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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