Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
