shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
