I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Your tits are I can't wait for
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
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