Dude my mom stole all your condoms
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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