I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
