Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
