I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
