Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
