Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
