Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
