Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
