I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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