i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
i love accidental penises.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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