who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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