And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
