No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
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