Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
