Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize