we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
