No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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