Are we in a gay sports bar?
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
