The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
