I think I died a long time ago.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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