I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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