like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
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