Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
