Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize