i was born a porn star she said
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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