Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
