Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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