you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
So vagazzling was a success
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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