i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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