dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize
