believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
