would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
