1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I need help removing her.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
