you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
